I just want to hide from the world...

I just want to stay home.  I just want to stay in bed.  I just want to stay away from people.  I just want to be alone and not move, just lay in bed and just be.  I'm sitting here about to cry over a stupid online game, I'm having trouble concentrating at work, I just have no desire to do anything.  I sit at my desk and have to force myself to actually work - I have to make myself look like I give a shit.   I know I hate my job, but what in the hell ELSE is the matter with me??  I just want to be happy, but I don't know what to do!  I don't want to be around people, but I feel so alone!  I just want to not do this anymore, I just want to stop.  Not suicidal stopping, just almost like going on standby, catatonia for about a week.  I just want to recharge.  I want to find something that makes me happy, I want to do something that makes me happy.

I am looking at the atrocious writing that I just did, and I can't bring myself to fix it.  I want someone here with me, I wish my Dad was here.  Dad understands me, he knows what it's like, he doesn't judge me for how I feel.  I want to slap my sister on the side of the head - this non-calling crap gets on my nerves.  I'll bet you though, if I say something to her about it, she will find some way to turn it into what a fuckup I am and what I do wrong.  BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'm not an idiot, I KNOW I'm stupid... don't rub it in!  She isn't a saint, she isn't perfect, she just gets into these holier than thou things that seem like the rules that she holds for other people don't apply to her.

Rant rant rant...

I wish that this headache would go away, I feel like my head is in a vice.  I even went to bed early to try and get more sleep, and look at me... awake and blogging like a mental patient at midnight.  I am going to see if I can find a sleeping pill to take so that maybe I can stay asleep instead of waking up another three times tonight.  I can't take much more before I go crazy.

Shaking my head...

Now tell me if this is normal or not...  in order to get in touch with my sister, I have to call her fiance's phone.  She has a phone of her own, but won't answer it.  Even my parents, and even Ricardo, have said that they have to do this in order to talk with her.  I even tried to message them on the computer tonight and got nothing.  I refuse to call his phone, she should answer hers - I'm not trying to talk to him, I'm trying to talk to her.  Besides, a fiance does not a secretary make.