I just want to hide from the world...

I just want to stay home.  I just want to stay in bed.  I just want to stay away from people.  I just want to be alone and not move, just lay in bed and just be.  I'm sitting here about to cry over a stupid online game, I'm having trouble concentrating at work, I just have no desire to do anything.  I sit at my desk and have to force myself to actually work - I have to make myself look like I give a shit.   I know I hate my job, but what in the hell ELSE is the matter with me??  I just want to be happy, but I don't know what to do!  I don't want to be around people, but I feel so alone!  I just want to not do this anymore, I just want to stop.  Not suicidal stopping, just almost like going on standby, catatonia for about a week.  I just want to recharge.  I want to find something that makes me happy, I want to do something that makes me happy.

I am looking at the atrocious writing that I just did, and I can't bring myself to fix it.  I want someone here with me, I wish my Dad was here.  Dad understands me, he knows what it's like, he doesn't judge me for how I feel.  I want to slap my sister on the side of the head - this non-calling crap gets on my nerves.  I'll bet you though, if I say something to her about it, she will find some way to turn it into what a fuckup I am and what I do wrong.  BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'm not an idiot, I KNOW I'm stupid... don't rub it in!  She isn't a saint, she isn't perfect, she just gets into these holier than thou things that seem like the rules that she holds for other people don't apply to her.

Rant rant rant...

I wish that this headache would go away, I feel like my head is in a vice.  I even went to bed early to try and get more sleep, and look at me... awake and blogging like a mental patient at midnight.  I am going to see if I can find a sleeping pill to take so that maybe I can stay asleep instead of waking up another three times tonight.  I can't take much more before I go crazy.

Shaking my head...

Now tell me if this is normal or not...  in order to get in touch with my sister, I have to call her fiance's phone.  She has a phone of her own, but won't answer it.  Even my parents, and even Ricardo, have said that they have to do this in order to talk with her.  I even tried to message them on the computer tonight and got nothing.  I refuse to call his phone, she should answer hers - I'm not trying to talk to him, I'm trying to talk to her.  Besides, a fiance does not a secretary make.

Pizza and Pierogis

Got home this evening late - really need to map out traffic detours now to avoid the campus traffic.  I got lulled into a sense of complacency and forgot how compacted cars can get on the roads in Downtown Richmond when students come back to VCU.  No pedestrians were harmed by my front bumper today, I was good I promise.

Had pizza for dinner, Kay's sister, Sandy, made pepperoni and beef ones today with some onion - they weren't bad.  I mixed up some dough for pierogis to have tomorrow, just have to figure out now what to put in them for filling.  Was thinking just basic stuff, beef, cheese, salt, pepper, garlic and a little onion maybe.  Never have done pierogis before, but saw a recipe for them and wanted to give them a try.

I am just listening to the whirr of the A/C at the moment, but it's nice because I can hear the crickets behind it.  I remember laying down in my bunk bed at Camp Crestridge in the summers at night just listening to all of the sounds at night - remembering how loud it was, but also remembering how it soothed me to sleep.  I guess it was because Camp made me feel safe enough to let me sleep.  It really was a place that I could feel at peace and feel like I belonged in some fashion.  Very good memories tied up in those North Carolina mountains...

One hour at a time

Have made it through lunch at work, so am ever closer to being able to go home. Hasn't been too bad today, just sticking to myself and trying to stay quiet. I think people here can tell that something is wrong - I'm guessing that I'm not acting like my normal self. My interpretation of it is, I'm just not hiding things as well as I normally do... but that's just me.

I am happy though, I did get an appointment with the ob-gyn for Wednesday afternoon. I'm hoping that he can help me feel more normal and feel better. I have filled out all of the initial paperwork already and I just have to get my records from here, and I should be set to go. I did tell them I might not be able to get them in time, but that I would do my best.

I need to go to the house (It's sad that I can't call it home, and I've lived there for two years - I just don't feel right about doing it) and help out my landlady tonight though, make myself feel better about things. I have been running around like an idiot and been a zombie since last Wednesday, maybe she has drilled some helmets or made helmet straps for Zoomer Gear today that I can work on.

Musings about change

Sitting here thinking about random ideas and possibilities before going to sleep - my mind won't focus on just one thing. I just can't focus on one thought to any extent, just flashes of different things filter through my head at any given moment. I guess only one thought really stands out for me, but it is the same thought that hits me a lot of nights - I don't want to go to work. Isn't there something that could rescue me from having to go, isn't there someone? I am in tears pretty much every time I think about that place, every time I step into the car, every time I have to get out of bed to get ready to go to that place... it just makes me so wound up and filled to the brim of my being with despair and anger. I know my depression feeds this, but I feel so stuck there - it's a rut that I can't break.

I'll have to write more about this later, I don't want to do anything that will make me lose my job - being paranoid that someone will read this. I want to be as politically correct as I can be about it, but I have to get this out of me, or I will do something that will get me fired. It's so incredibly wearing to have to lock my thoughts in my head when I'm at my desk. Not to say anything back, not to bitch, not to scream, not to give in to the torrent of smartassed remarks that are just begging to be said. I used to love working there, I used to enjoy what I do there, but there is nothing but the same old routine and politics that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I just want to be happy again.

Is beige a symptom?

Honestly got this one while I was sitting at my desk!

"Are you ok, you look beige today."

Beige would be an improvement for me, they don't make many people lighter!

Saturday plans that don't include sleeping in

Heading to Farmville tomorrow morning to get my car inspected and to see if they can figure out what the deal is with my emissions system (if there even is one). Light went off on its own yesterday and hasn't come on since, but would rather them see if they can find anything while they are poking around. Only thing that stinks is that I will have to leave Richmond by around eight thirty so I can get to Davis Pontiac by ten. Don't want to have to rush if I can help it.

Will go see Grandma too for a little bit, then go to Walmart and get some flowers to put on Papa's grave. I try to do that every time I go to Farmville, haven't missed too many times since he passed away in 2006. Hard to believe that it was three years ago on July 31st, you never realize how fast time goes, or stop to think about it until something like that occurs to you. Will stop for some lunch to relax, but I don't think I'll be too late getting back to the house in Richmond - I want to be able to help around the house some when I get back (maybe even SLEEP!).