Musings about change

Sitting here thinking about random ideas and possibilities before going to sleep - my mind won't focus on just one thing. I just can't focus on one thought to any extent, just flashes of different things filter through my head at any given moment. I guess only one thought really stands out for me, but it is the same thought that hits me a lot of nights - I don't want to go to work. Isn't there something that could rescue me from having to go, isn't there someone? I am in tears pretty much every time I think about that place, every time I step into the car, every time I have to get out of bed to get ready to go to that place... it just makes me so wound up and filled to the brim of my being with despair and anger. I know my depression feeds this, but I feel so stuck there - it's a rut that I can't break.

I'll have to write more about this later, I don't want to do anything that will make me lose my job - being paranoid that someone will read this. I want to be as politically correct as I can be about it, but I have to get this out of me, or I will do something that will get me fired. It's so incredibly wearing to have to lock my thoughts in my head when I'm at my desk. Not to say anything back, not to bitch, not to scream, not to give in to the torrent of smartassed remarks that are just begging to be said. I used to love working there, I used to enjoy what I do there, but there is nothing but the same old routine and politics that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I just want to be happy again.