I just want to hide from the world...

I just want to stay home.  I just want to stay in bed.  I just want to stay away from people.  I just want to be alone and not move, just lay in bed and just be.  I'm sitting here about to cry over a stupid online game, I'm having trouble concentrating at work, I just have no desire to do anything.  I sit at my desk and have to force myself to actually work - I have to make myself look like I give a shit.   I know I hate my job, but what in the hell ELSE is the matter with me??  I just want to be happy, but I don't know what to do!  I don't want to be around people, but I feel so alone!  I just want to not do this anymore, I just want to stop.  Not suicidal stopping, just almost like going on standby, catatonia for about a week.  I just want to recharge.  I want to find something that makes me happy, I want to do something that makes me happy.

I am looking at the atrocious writing that I just did, and I can't bring myself to fix it.  I want someone here with me, I wish my Dad was here.  Dad understands me, he knows what it's like, he doesn't judge me for how I feel.  I want to slap my sister on the side of the head - this non-calling crap gets on my nerves.  I'll bet you though, if I say something to her about it, she will find some way to turn it into what a fuckup I am and what I do wrong.  BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'm not an idiot, I KNOW I'm stupid... don't rub it in!  She isn't a saint, she isn't perfect, she just gets into these holier than thou things that seem like the rules that she holds for other people don't apply to her.

Rant rant rant...

I wish that this headache would go away, I feel like my head is in a vice.  I even went to bed early to try and get more sleep, and look at me... awake and blogging like a mental patient at midnight.  I am going to see if I can find a sleeping pill to take so that maybe I can stay asleep instead of waking up another three times tonight.  I can't take much more before I go crazy.

Shaking my head...

Now tell me if this is normal or not...  in order to get in touch with my sister, I have to call her fiance's phone.  She has a phone of her own, but won't answer it.  Even my parents, and even Ricardo, have said that they have to do this in order to talk with her.  I even tried to message them on the computer tonight and got nothing.  I refuse to call his phone, she should answer hers - I'm not trying to talk to him, I'm trying to talk to her.  Besides, a fiance does not a secretary make.

Pizza and Pierogis

Got home this evening late - really need to map out traffic detours now to avoid the campus traffic.  I got lulled into a sense of complacency and forgot how compacted cars can get on the roads in Downtown Richmond when students come back to VCU.  No pedestrians were harmed by my front bumper today, I was good I promise.

Had pizza for dinner, Kay's sister, Sandy, made pepperoni and beef ones today with some onion - they weren't bad.  I mixed up some dough for pierogis to have tomorrow, just have to figure out now what to put in them for filling.  Was thinking just basic stuff, beef, cheese, salt, pepper, garlic and a little onion maybe.  Never have done pierogis before, but saw a recipe for them and wanted to give them a try.

I am just listening to the whirr of the A/C at the moment, but it's nice because I can hear the crickets behind it.  I remember laying down in my bunk bed at Camp Crestridge in the summers at night just listening to all of the sounds at night - remembering how loud it was, but also remembering how it soothed me to sleep.  I guess it was because Camp made me feel safe enough to let me sleep.  It really was a place that I could feel at peace and feel like I belonged in some fashion.  Very good memories tied up in those North Carolina mountains...

One hour at a time

Have made it through lunch at work, so am ever closer to being able to go home. Hasn't been too bad today, just sticking to myself and trying to stay quiet. I think people here can tell that something is wrong - I'm guessing that I'm not acting like my normal self. My interpretation of it is, I'm just not hiding things as well as I normally do... but that's just me.

I am happy though, I did get an appointment with the ob-gyn for Wednesday afternoon. I'm hoping that he can help me feel more normal and feel better. I have filled out all of the initial paperwork already and I just have to get my records from here, and I should be set to go. I did tell them I might not be able to get them in time, but that I would do my best.

I need to go to the house (It's sad that I can't call it home, and I've lived there for two years - I just don't feel right about doing it) and help out my landlady tonight though, make myself feel better about things. I have been running around like an idiot and been a zombie since last Wednesday, maybe she has drilled some helmets or made helmet straps for Zoomer Gear today that I can work on.

Musings about change

Sitting here thinking about random ideas and possibilities before going to sleep - my mind won't focus on just one thing. I just can't focus on one thought to any extent, just flashes of different things filter through my head at any given moment. I guess only one thought really stands out for me, but it is the same thought that hits me a lot of nights - I don't want to go to work. Isn't there something that could rescue me from having to go, isn't there someone? I am in tears pretty much every time I think about that place, every time I step into the car, every time I have to get out of bed to get ready to go to that place... it just makes me so wound up and filled to the brim of my being with despair and anger. I know my depression feeds this, but I feel so stuck there - it's a rut that I can't break.

I'll have to write more about this later, I don't want to do anything that will make me lose my job - being paranoid that someone will read this. I want to be as politically correct as I can be about it, but I have to get this out of me, or I will do something that will get me fired. It's so incredibly wearing to have to lock my thoughts in my head when I'm at my desk. Not to say anything back, not to bitch, not to scream, not to give in to the torrent of smartassed remarks that are just begging to be said. I used to love working there, I used to enjoy what I do there, but there is nothing but the same old routine and politics that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I just want to be happy again.

Is beige a symptom?

Honestly got this one while I was sitting at my desk!

"Are you ok, you look beige today."

Beige would be an improvement for me, they don't make many people lighter!

Saturday plans that don't include sleeping in

Heading to Farmville tomorrow morning to get my car inspected and to see if they can figure out what the deal is with my emissions system (if there even is one). Light went off on its own yesterday and hasn't come on since, but would rather them see if they can find anything while they are poking around. Only thing that stinks is that I will have to leave Richmond by around eight thirty so I can get to Davis Pontiac by ten. Don't want to have to rush if I can help it.

Will go see Grandma too for a little bit, then go to Walmart and get some flowers to put on Papa's grave. I try to do that every time I go to Farmville, haven't missed too many times since he passed away in 2006. Hard to believe that it was three years ago on July 31st, you never realize how fast time goes, or stop to think about it until something like that occurs to you. Will stop for some lunch to relax, but I don't think I'll be too late getting back to the house in Richmond - I want to be able to help around the house some when I get back (maybe even SLEEP!).

My Sister's Big Fat Brazilian Wedding

Sitting here after finishing a movie and still can't sleep, so am thinking a bit on Kim's wedding to Ricardo. I bought her two wedding organizers (one for the Brazilian ceremony for Ricardo's family and one for the ceremony to be held in the States... most likely in Florida) and a book for Ricardo called 'The Groom's Instruction Manual'. Thought the organizers would be helpful for Kim since they have pockets to put everything from fabric samples to receipts, along with worksheets and things to help keep everything straight.

She told me that I'm going to be her maid of honor - so I've been looking up what I have to do. I know the wedding(s) are not going to be until at least Spring 2010, but hey - studying in advance is always a good thing and two - I don't want to be responsible for the birth of Bridezilla. :) Kim wouldn't be that way, I'm sure, but better safe than sorry. I am currently looking at the list of Maid of Honor Duties as found on TheKnot.com as a reference for what I'll need to do for her. Some will be kind of difficult in a way since I'm in Virginia and she is in Florida, but let's see how I do so far.

• Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.
  
  Pretty sure I can do some of this... getting people to go to fittings and such might not be possible, but I can schedule things maybe. I can go over things with them too.



• Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).
  
  Thank goodness for websites and webcams. Have already sent a couple of websites to Kim I think, so it's a place to start. I definitely veto the Scarlett O'Hara curtains dress - biiiig no-no.



• Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.
  
  This I definitely can do, am a task machine! I can't organize my own stuff, but I'm merciless on other people's lists. :)



• Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.
  
  Can help sign her up for some registries once they get a date set. Will talk with her about what places she would like then.



• Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.
  
  Can help with the changing, and will get help with the storage - since I don't live where these are taking place, I will have to get help.



• Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.
  
  Easy, here for that anyway.



• Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride.
  
  Might cohost, that might seem logical because some of the wedding party and her friends might not know me. The whole living there thing is important too.



• Attend all prewedding parties.
  
  Webcam, anyone?



• Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).
  
  Delegate when possible, help when there...



• Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.
  
  Oh the possibilities... *evil laughter*. No, will be good, and will get some help because I don't know what's around.



• See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.
  
  Hotel training does come in handy for these things!



• Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.
  
  I'll do my best with the hair (have trouble with my own), but can at least make sure that stuff gets done. Other stuff is just logistics and good labeling.



• Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.
  
  Can do this - at least I have big hands, so the ring won't fall off! Just focus on not dropping the thing during the ceremony, and all will be well.



• Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.
  
  Have done this before, will need to see what the gown is before I re-cram on learning to bustle. Have done it before, so it should be ok.



• Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.
  
  Check.



• Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.
  
  Just tell me where to sign, if needed.



• Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).
  
  Depends on whether she has a receiving line or not...



• Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.
  
  I can be gracious, easy enough.



• Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.
  
  Sure thing, just will have to make sure I carry something to put them in, just in case.



• Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.
  
  I'll definitely make her eat, she needs to take care of herself.



• Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.
  
  Hmmm... will have to see what dancing will need to be done, may have to take lessons!



• Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)
  
  I'd like to say something for them, at least I have a lot of time to think about what to say. I don't want to mess it up, you know?



• Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.
  
  Sisters and MOHs share that duty anyway.



• Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.
  
  J\I'm a goofball anyway, this shouldn't be hard...

What Might Have Been

I don't quite know where this came from, I just got the image in my head one day years ago - it wouldn't leave me alone.


She sits in the darkness, hands holding her head
Looking at dried up roses, sun on their heads bowed
The light shifts through the glass, illuminating the dead
Flickering across their raisined carcasses
Looking through the pane of death’s door
A floor now littered with broken promises
Once so meaningless, now so empty and cold
Symbols of brutal heartbreak from the chair do spread
Gloating, cynical laughter and tear-stained pleading
Weave their magic into her, like remembered fists
“So that’s what love is like”, she thinks to herself
She reached and touches her own drying blood
No fresh flowers or an honest wedding ring
There is only what the daily love beatings bring
Getting up, she touches a weary rosebud
And watches it fall apart, like her dreams, in her hand
Without a breath, she now knows her dreams are dead
Returning to her throne, she sits there and cries
For the loss of her dreams, and thinking what might have been

Untitled #1

This one and 'The Fall of the Unicorn' were inspired by the same person.


When I lie in the dark and hear the sound of breath
Why does it have to be just mine
When the mattress creaks with the shifting of weight
When I remember skin trembling against that of another
Why does it have to be just mine
The many senses that I have made into memories
The things it seems I alone hold close
When the sound of one name is remembered by my lips
Why does it have to be just yours

Untitled #2

Another session with Magnetic Poetry and the fridge!


Bathe in the remembering
Drink the flame of aching passion
Voice the song of a dark delicious desire
Know that my hands caress your soft smile
My lips linger forever on your gentle kiss
And my heart only hungers for yours

The Fall Of The Unicorn

This one was written after a comment that someone in my life said at the time. I wrote the whole poem in less than an hour - probably the fastest I have ever written anything in my life, the words just poured out.


A tree stands alone in the midst
Of the throng of others
And it waits

The hunter gathers in the trickling sunlight
His thoughts focused
Strategy formed
A single purpose…
Clinical thoughts geared towards finding just right conditions
The right moment for opportunity
And the right place at the right time

He crosses the threshold of the misty glade
Carefully and reverently he steps
Emitting no sound
Only the slight give of the ground under his feet

The hunter waits there
Patiently waiting for the quarry he seeks most
Every day he sits
In the dewy shade of that lone tree
The tree unique among many
Looking for that telltale motion of leaves
The flicker of light
The held breath of Mother Nature herself

He tenses…

It has arrived in the air
The life of it literally seizes him
Energy quivers in the glade around him

And the sunlight wavers…

The elusive legend approaches him
Feet lighter than the most furtive
Lithe body rippling with power
Its coat glimmers like a pearl taken from the bottom of the ocean
Mane and tail flow like kings’ banners
The horn…

It scents the air and finds him
Warily it dances around the clearing, as if it knows…
Knows what could be at stake
To her

She sees the latent hunter
Patiently waiting
Waiting as he has every day for a seemed eternity
She knows what he is there for
Just like all of the others, he waits
For her… they all have their reasons
The quest, the hunt, the finding of the subject of so many tales
Their pride brings them
Their love of the quest
The love of beautiful things

The scent
Intoxicating as it surrounds him
She knows the clinical effect she exudes
What she inspires in him, and the hordes before… come and gone
After all…

Who does not want to capture the uncaught?

She has fended off countless so-called suitors
Those who want
Glory, fame, the ultimate tale to regale
She looks at the situation and the choices before her
And realizes
Something that she has not wanted to face
She looks at him and sees inside her own self
And sighs

She is ready to stop fighting herself

She continues the journey
The hardest one she has ever entered
Possibly the last one she will ever make
And she accepts the risk that lies beneath

She stops mere inches
From where he stands
Her scent floods into his system
So many things blending into an unidentifiable impression
Strong, proud
Musked with unadulterated sensuality
Kissed with vulnerability
Looking into her eyes, he sees
Only the mirror image of his own

Her own private war was waged
Between two different kinds of survival
She must choose
Both offering safety
Both promising hurt
Making her decision, she accepted one or the other defeat
She lowered her guard
Closed the gap
And touched her horn to his heart

He reached out with both hands
Each finger trembling with possibilities
When his hands grazed the gilded spiraled point
His breath
Released with a sigh

The uncaught had become the caught

He remained motionless
In that never foreseen embrace
She felt every nerve
Quicken faster than light
Afraid to break contact, she waited
Without a stir
She lifted her gaze to meet his own
And again she saw only what she herself felt inside
Mirrored within his stare

With only a single thought, she chose
To show him all that she was
To give him the gift
That no one in her life and ones past
Had ever been given
The magical gift that all wished to have granted
To become the beauty seen through love’s factual eyes

The horn grew warm under his hands
Warm and hotter
He pulled his hands away and watched
As the glow found in the unicorn’s eyes
Became a tangible part of the air
Light became mist
And shielded her in a shroud of glowing tendrils
Which grew hotter and brighter
Until the hunter threw up his protecting hands
And even the sun shielded its raging eyes

In that momentous flash of power
Pearls had become suns
Kings’ banners had turned into flames
And a tale had just come true

She stood there before him
In the same spot as before
The same soul emanated from her eyes
A different form radiated in his
He stared at the reflection in astonishment
The antithesis of his own
He looked down at the hands that only moments before
Had gripped the golden horn
Now he stared at the woman before him
The wind rippled through her hair
And he saw her start
As if the new body petrified her

She stifled her tremors and lifted her gaze
And stretched out one white arm
She started with just one hand outstretched
And quickly it became both
She wanted
To feel in her human form
What she felt in her self
She felt human flesh for the first time
On her virgin fingertips
Closing her eyes
She felt the fluid shudder
And surrendered to the want of that touch

The velvet glide
She gives it
He feels it
They both become it

The slight brush of that warm, musked skin
Entered him
Inundated his body
Drove out all his other senses
All feelings but of her
The light had entered him and become his flesh

She felt his senses begin to reemerge
And saw the glint of gold curl
Around the edges of her vision
She closed her eyes

She knew…

The time had come.

He pulled back slightly and looked
Into the eyes
Younger than purity
Older than time
Hopeful yet resignedly bittersweet
Wordlessly he breaks the connection
And vows with his eyes to return
The air is too profound
Laden with meaning that negates the spoken word

He turns
And walks away from her
Vision centered on his former hiding place
When he reaches it, he turns
One last look before he embarks
On his journey home

The mythical beast stares back at him
Sunlight serpentine
Around the twisting gilded point
Illuminating
The infinitesimal ethereality
Of the gilt threads now enclosing her

Some Things I Regret

I wrote this one in high school for a poetry writing assignment for my Creative Writing class. I think the assignment was rhyming, but can't be sure - may have just done it as an experiment.

Some things I regret, some things I can’t undo
The things I have done are keeping me from you
Sitting in the sun, thinking of your love
Thinking bittersweet memories of past things done
I keep trying to say no, trying to deny
That I lost you, lost you — never to see you cry
Wiping tears from your face, each one that I caused
At the ocean of pain I felt, I paused
Not knowing what to say, this regret did make
Its way out of my soul, screaming in its wake
I could not think, could not trust myself inside
To say the right thing, to make what I did right
Please oh GOD PLEASE, I don’t want to lose your sight!
I crumpled to the ground as I sobbed my regret
I cried as the sun turned gold, red and russet
Remember my love, no matter what or how
I will be here for you as long as time will allow
So will my remorse, and be there it will
My guilt is forever, my love is longer still.

Never Do I Dream

This one came from a session with Magnetic Poetry on my fridge at around two am one night, after about a day of no sleep or more.

never do I dream when
the black day rains
and mad tongues read
robed visions of man
and his shadowed fiddle
milking frantic music
from the delicate bare
breasts of the goddess
of love’s needs and with
her raw red cry licking
sleep’s feet